Here I Am

here i am.

at utah state.

pursuing graphic design.

i've had my faith tested.

i've understood how it feels to not have any sense of map or direction in my life.

i learned that God works in mysterious ways.

i am enjoying my classes for the most part.

my drawing class continues to open my eyes to who i am & to how i am developing as a person.

i am trying new mediums.

i've learned that i can excel and i can be successful.

my classes are letting me feel free.

not tied down to measurements, codes & biased professors.

many people are meant to be interior designers & they're great at it.

but for me, God knew that another major would be more fitting for me.

i will always remember the memories that i had there though.

i met some of the greatest people.

i learned how it feels to work hard.

i learned that I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

i am excited to implement interior design into my graphic design work.

i continue to go speechless when i see interiors that are well planned out and stunning.

i continue to have a desire to design textiles and put them into spaces.

the saying, when one door closes-another one opens is coming evident in my life.

i will continue to love interiors and graphics and put them in my life. 

Trust God

Tears are falling.

Happy tears though.

Tears of how grateful I am.

God put me exactly where I need to be. He put me in a place that was scary and that I was unsure of. But that place isn't anything like either of those words. I thought that I would never feel like I fit anywhere else but Interior Design. But I feel good. Not stressed. Not worried. Not insecure.

He continues to give me opportunities. Experiences. People.

All I needed to do was trust.

Trust Him in everything.

What makes you feel accomplished?


For me?


Being here.
Gaining an education.
Feeling like everything is at my fingertips.
Blessed.

Easel

Yesterday I drew on an easel.
Something I've never done before.

The class was loosely structured.
But not to the point that it was disorganized.
We were instructed to kick off our shoes and throw them on the table, so we could use them as a reference. We chose a portion of the table to sketch.

I remember standing on the cool painted and worn floor under me.
Sketching loosely, not caring what it looked like...but how it felt to me.
For the first time in a long time, I wasn't worrying about using a ruler or being tied down to rules.

As we all set up our easels for viewing each other's work--I glanced around the room.
Everyone's art  had a different style, feel and a voice that spoke to them personally.

Jane went around the room.
Critiquing but uplifting each one of our sketches.

When she approached mine,
I remember looking around the room--realizing that everyone's sketches clearly showed outlines of shoes. They were easily understood.
Looking at mine, it was far from recognizable.
I left the white spaces to speak for themselves.
I left lines out.
I left pieces out.

I remember thinking in the back of my mind that Jane would get after me for the unfinished and abstract feel. Thinking that it was very rough and hard to understand.

When she got to my work though, she said it was interesting.
Not in the way that people say 'interesting', when they don't know what to say though.
She said it was a very unique approach. She liked it.
She didn't ramble on about it and didn't say that I'm the next Van Gogh.
But she liked it. She thought I was unique.

That is why I'm here. To not have limitations to my art. To be who I am. I believe that this is where I am truly supposed to be. To be in a place where I can be who I have been aching to become.

Interior Design on my mind...

My dream last night felt like a rock to my side.
I was back in the studio again...
Everyone kept asking me why I quit.
I remember one of my professors just glaring at me with a small smirk.
My heart felt like it sunk.
I felt defeated and that no one understood that I sincerely fought for a spot in the Interior Design program and that I really didn't quit.

I woke up hurt.
All the memories from the first of the Summer when I got my declined letter came back to me.

I thought I was over the fact the Interior Design department didn't want me anymore.
But, I have to remember that this is going to take time.
Time for me to face life's trials.

I came across this quote that said,
          Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go.

I need to be proud of the two years that I accomplished with Interior Design.
Proud of who I have become.
Proud of the experiences I've had, the projects I fought through and the grades that I got.


This year is going to be different.
I won't be with the same kids, in a new department, a new major and all new classes.

But I'm honestly grateful.
Sincerely grateful.

School

Last day of work is this Tuesday.

I move out Friday.

I start school the following Monday.

Here is to new adventures and a new start.

Big picture

I ran today.
It felt great.
I've needed to clear my head for a few days now.

A few days ago, I met with school counselors to get my life figured out.
I have two or three more years of school ahead of me.
Two, for a B.S. in Art.
or Three, for a B.F.A with a Graphic Design emphasis.

Can I just tell you how hard it is to see the full picture sometimes?
I am definitely continually learning to have faith that things will work out.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that knows this is hard for me.
Knows that I take things personal and feels defeated.
Knows that if I am being prayerful-I can feel at peace.

I keep having thoughts of still feeling rejected and defeated for not passing the review for Interior Design.
I keep telling myself, Lauren pull yourself together. Get over it.
But that is easier said than done.
I keep thinking that I'm going to get a call or an e-mail saying, oh J.K. come back in.
But that's ridiculous. I know.
It's going to take time to let Heavenly Father take the steering wheel of my life for a bit and help me see the big picture.

The big picture of choosing a major that fits me better.
A major that I can handle.
A major that Heavenly Father has been planning for me.
A major that allows me to still be a mother.
A major that is just for me.